I’ve blogged about my decision to go alcohol free before ( I don’t drink anymore. But nothing has changed! (Except everything.) (myonedayisnow.blogspot.com) ) and I’m happy to update with the fact that I’m still on that dry road, one year and four months strong. I’m grateful to be able to say that in a world that is drowning in alcohol culture. I don’t need to re-visit the science behind what alcohol does to our bodies and minds, even in “moderate” amounts, because that information is available to us. I’m just thankful that I acknowledge those truths now and choose healthy.
All that said, I am a human being living in the time of a
pandemic. I’m a parent who has gone in to ‘mama bear’ mode of trying to keep
things as normal and as joyful as possible for my six children despite the
multitude of changes this year brought to them. I’m a police wife who has had many
sleepless nights this year due to my husband’s job. Sometimes the weight of
this world feels heavy. I know that you know what I mean, no matter what your particular
circumstances may be.
One night recently I was feeling this weight more than most
days. I was feeling tired, and tired of being tired, and stressed out.
Frustrated. Overwhelmed. And for the first time in a long time, I became
tempted to drink again. My husband was
working, my kids were watching a movie and I eyed the same bottle of whiskey
that has been on the top of my fridge since I quit drinking (yes, really. So it’s
been up there with about a quarter amount left since July of 2019.) It belongs
to my husband and I’ve always told him that it doesn’t matter to me that it is
there, that I’m not tempted anymore. I can be around others who drink, too. It
doesn’t tempt me. Honestly. Until this particular night.
He was at work. I was counting down the minutes until
bedtime for the kids. There was a part of my brain saying “You’ve had 16 months
alcohol free, you know how much better you feel, you don’t actually want to
drink now.” Another part of my brain said “You’re stressed out. And weak. Just give
in.”
If you’re rolling your eyes as you read this and think that
it isn’t a huge deal to drink a little every once in a while (or a lot every
once in a while, who are we kidding) – I get your mentality. I do. I used to be on that side of the fence. For a
long time I was on that side of the fence. So maybe you are thinking that I
could have just had some of my husband’s whiskey that has been sitting there
forever and not turned it in to something blog worthy.
Except to me, I do feel strongly that I need to stay away
from alcohol. I like the way that this side feels. A lot.
Despite that part of my brain telling me that I was weak, I didn’t end up having any whiskey. My kids were still up as I felt that
temptation and I didn’t want for them to see me drink. I had reserved the idea that I’d have a
little after they went to bed, but I took a melatonin and said a prayer, and I
went to bed shortly after they did. I can’t fully explain to you now how
grateful I felt the following morning that I did not drink.
It really made me realize after I woke up just how big a
part my kids are in my decision to stay alcohol-free. How they are my saving
grace.
I didn’t want to drink around them. I don’t want for them to grow up and
treat their bodies like garbage, so I don’t want for them to see me treat my body like garbage.
I also do not want to be a ‘do as I say, not as I do’ parent. I want to be
exactly who I say I am. I want to be someone they can emulate. I want for them
to remember that Mom chose a healthy lifestyle, and stuck with it.
I’ve mentioned to both my husband and some friends recently
that I really sometimes feel that if it weren’t for him and the kids I do think
I’d care less about my health. I'd be smoking Marlboro's and drinking beer pretty regularly. As I type this now I realize that may sound bad-
I don’t want to discredit what a gift I believe life to be. I know God wants
more from me than to treat my body badly. I just also know that more than for
myself, I want to be healthy for my family.
My kids probably don’t realize it yet just how much they do
for me. I gave birth to them and gave them their lives but really, they save
mine. I say save and not saved because clearly, they still save me from my old
unhealthy habits.
I’m always telling them when they are feeling discouraged
that God created us to be strong, not weak. I believe that with every fiber of
my being, so I need to live that daily. We are all stronger than we often
realize, not on our own accord but because of Him. How could I let myself get
distracted from that truth?
I haven’t blogged in so long, but I was happy to hop on here
and share this realization that my love for my children not only means that I
want what is best for them but that my love for them makes me better, too. They
make me better and they make me want to be my best.
I choose healthy for them and I’ll continue to choose
healthy for them. They deserve it. I know
deep down that I do too.
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| My family. |
Until next time . . .
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